New Year’s Resolutions for the Presidential Candidates

I gave up on New Year’s resolutions a long time ago because I never seem to fulfill them for very long.

I can keep a mean journal until January 30th, and then somehow I run out of things to say. I maintain a steady food journal until Valentine’s Day, and then candy consumption causes me to stop writing out of pure shame. Some years I even make my bed in the morning for a couple of months before I realize how little sense it actually makes (it’s just going to get messed up again, guys, and it’s much comfier that way).

However,  as we head into the thick of primary season. And since coming up with a solid resolution can be a little tricky, I’ll help them out a little.

Jeb! Bush: Bring that exclamation point to LIFE. With a name like Jeb!, how can you not be enjoying yourself? C’mon, Governor. You’ve got a great record behind you to back up your campaign and you’ve definitely got the presidential look down. Keep making your digs at Trump, but smile while you make them. It’ll make the whole exchange much more enjoyable and your exclamation point will have solidified its status as one of my favorite parts of this election season.

Ben Carson: Get more sleep. You’ve got ideas that people are dying to listen to because they’re refreshing after the divisive nature of career politicians– but sometimes it’s hard to hear them. I totally understand that running for president isn’t exactly conducive to a regular sleep schedule, but maybe 2016 will be the year that we reform the process by allowing for a solid amount of sleep for candidates on the trail. Oh, and bring some Ricola to the next debate. Please.

Chris Christie: Breathe. We all know that your reputation is one of firebrand politics and not holding anything back, and that’s totally cool. Just make sure you relax every now and then. I just imagine the stress when the TV remote won’t work because the batteries are dying… “Darn it, Hillary! I knew I needed new batteries, but I was too busy trying to destroy your campaign!” Let’s take a breather and focus on your own record. Might ease some of the stress.

Hillary-shrug

Hillary Clinton: Tell the truth. I know, I know, this one is a stretch. You’ll basically have to restructure your entire campaign so the foundation has something new to stand on. But it’s worth a shot. Maybe we can start with “I’m sorry” to the families of the Benghazi victims? And then “I’m sorry” to the American people for lying about your emails? That should give us a nice start. C’mon, girl. New year, new you.

Ted Cruz: Renounce Canadian bacon. You’ve already renounced your Canadian citizenship, so the next logical step is to renounce the crime that they call bacon in that country. Seriously– I don’t even like bacon and I know that Canadian bacon is an insult to real bacon-lovers everywhere. You just might double your voting base if you did this.

Carly Fiorina: Speak up! Don’t let those boys silence you! Hold your own in those debates and show the world why they fell in love with you. Your poll numbers may have dropped, but your heart hasn’t. Get out there and show the world what real girl power looks like. No matter the outcome, we need a dose of good old-fashioned feminism. Take advantage of being the prettiest one on the stage.

Jim Gilmore: Drop out. Honestly, dude. I thought your last name would associate you with the likes of Lorelai and Rory and get you more attention, but I guess people just aren’t that into a candidate who left office a looooong time ago. Your best bet for 2016 is to get out of the race and enjoy life as a commoner again.

Mike Huckabee: Give it up. I’m sorry, but running for president just doesn’t seem to be your thing. People think you’re crazy, and sometimes you kinda give off that vibe. I actually agree with you on a lot of faith-based issues but I would never vote for you. You’ve done great things to advance your causes, but I think it’s time to give it up.

John Kasich

John Kasich: Re-read some of that Scripture. You can’t use the Bible as justification for expanding a program that puts more people under the government’s thumb. Jesus encouraged people to help the poor around them; He didn’t tell people to ask the Roman government for assistance. It was community-based for a reason. Before you go touting Jesus’s words as justification for your policies, maybe you should take a closer look at them.

Martin O’Malley: Record an audio book. Let’s be real, there’s no way you’re going to top Hillary AND Bernie and win the Democratic nod. And with that in mind, it’s time to think of a new hobby for 2016– like audio books! Your voice is perfect for it. Just the right amount of accent and suave and persuasiveness. I’ll be the first to buy it.

George Pataki: Come back. Where’d you go? Has anyone seen your campaign lately? You were the Republican governor of a liberal state, which automatically gives you a little credibility to build from… but not a peep. Time’s running out fast for you to stage the greatest comeback in the history of presidential elections, so you’d better act fast.

Rand Paul: Get some hipster glasses. I think glasses would be a good look for you. Your ideas are already intelligent and well thought out, so the only thing that makes sense is that you should add some external flare to that image by throwing on some hipster shades and rockin’ it out. They don’t even have to have lenses in them– just the frames will be enough.

Marco Rubio: Don’t speed. You’ve been on quite a roll lately, sir, and we don’t need to mess that up. Don’t get any unnecessary speeding tickets or big expenditures or anything that might give liberals ample reason to assume you’re unfit for the presidency. Because, you know, those are definitely major dis-qualifiers.

Bernie Sanders: Comb your hair. How are we supposed to trust you to remember the important details of the presidency if you don’t even remember to comb your hair in the morning? Your trust numbers may spike if people see you taking these major steps toward looking more presidential.

Rick Santorum: Fight the power. This was supposed to be your year, dude! You were the next in line for the nomination and all these presidential newbies came in and stole your thunder. Fight back! Fight the power! Show those meanies who’s boss!

Donald Trump

Donald Trump: Increase your campaign merch. Have you ever thought of selling baseball caps with wigs attached so people can rock your hairstyle? I think this is definitely an area to explore in 2016. Even if people dislike your policies, there’s no way they can dislike the Hair.

Have a safe and wild New Year’s, party people!