My RNC Recap, As Told by ‘Friends’

As the Republican National Convention draws to a close and the Democratic National Convention begins to dominate the news cycle, I thought it only proper to recap the last week’s worth of events for those of you who were fortunate enough to have missed the clown show that was the RNC 2016.  Below you’ll find my highlights in random order as described by our friends from the appropriately named show, Friends.

Melania Mirrored Michelle

Melania Trump, The Donald’s wife and aspiring First Lady, took the stage on the first night of the Convention and made waves because lines in her speech were allegedly copied from Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech.  I’ll give it to her, those lines were pretty solid, but c’mon, Mel… ya gotta do better than that.

Trump’s entrance

Trump revealed himself Monday night by coming out from behind the wall to lights and shadows and smoke, portraying himself as other-worldly and intangible.  That tough-guy vibe was just protruding from him.  Ya know, kinda like Ross is protruding it here.

Delegates Gone Wild

On the second day of the Convention, Donald Trump officially secured the Republican nomination for President, but not without a fight from the delegates from certain states.  The Iowa and Colorado delegations left the floor in protest of the Committee acting in such blatant bias for Trump, and Ken Cuccinelli even threw his Convention pass down and stormed off the floor.  It was basically a madhouse and delegates were (rightly) pretty upset about it.

They don’t know…

When the RNC acted like us peasants didn’t know that they had ignored the requests for a roll call vote…

That Chant Tho

Somewhere in the first night, a chant of “lock her up” started coming up from the delegate crowd and continued to occur throughout the week.  Such treatment of our Democratic opponent is not only forcing us into a negative campaign, but also makes us appear petty to a watching public who is eager to be won over by one of either side’s mediocre candidates.  Because of that, this chant only elicited one true reaction from across the interwebz.

Don Jr.

One of the only pleasant surprises to come out of the week was Don Jr.’s speech, in which he renewed some of our faith that there may be a Trump guy who can deliver a compelling, intellectual speech.  I can already see the slogans for his 2032 POTUS run.

Cruz Had the Right Idea

Texas Senator and former Presidential candidate Ted Cruz took the stage Wednesday night, and restored a bit of everyone’s faith in conservative principles and the ability to convey them.  He soared on that stage like an eagle gripping the Constitution and delivered an eloquent message of limited government and personal responsibility.

No Endorsement from Cruz

Much to everyone’s surprise, Cruz refrained from endorsing a man who called his wife ugly and accused his father of assisting in JFK’s suicide.  Doesn’t seem like Trump has made it onto Cruz’s Christmas card list just yet.

Trump’s speech

Trump’s big Thursday night speech can only be summed up by this image from Joey Tribbiani.

That one good line

Trump did have one redeeming line in his speech: “My opponent asks her supporters to recite a three-word loyalty pledge. It reads: ‘I’m With Her,'” Trump said. “I choose to recite a different pledge. My pledge reads: ‘I’m with you — the American people.'”

But…

…then we realized that this is Donald Trump we’re talking about, and the rest of his speech did a nice job of destroying that glimmer of hope that lasted approximately four seconds.

About those chants…

I have a feeling that the guy who started chants like “lock her up” and “build the wall” is probably regretting his decisions right about now…